Jul 9, 2014

Early Morning Hours

By Andrea Tadpole

I love the
Early morning hours
When all the world's asleep
Lying in your arms
Skin to skin
Cheek to cheek

My nose pressed
In your chest
Your scent
So sweet

Nothing else matters
Family drama falls away
Worries disappear

Just you and me
Bodies intertwined
Playing footsie
In the dark

Feb 11, 2014

Father's Day Letter 1987

Dear Daddy,

Today I've been thinking a lot about my past; I guess because it's Father's Day.

I've spent the last twenty-three years of my life constantly reminding you how sorry I was that you were my dad. I did a lot of things to try and hurt you and I didn't want to get close to you. I wasted so much time. I wish that I could take back all the bad things I said to and about you, but I can't. They tell me in AA that I had to go through everything I went through to get to where I am at today.

I feel like there's so much lost time to make up for with you. I have tried the best I could this past year to be a responsible, sober, mature young lady. See, they tell me in AA the only way I can truly make amends to my family is by living life sober one day at a time.

I know that you don't understand my disease of alcoholism, and lots of times I feel like you think this "AA thing" is just another "phase" I'm going through. Lord knows I've went through enough. I can assure you this is no phase. AA and it's 12 steps of recovery have become a way of life, a design for living for me today. For the first time in my life I love myself.  I'm beginning to know who Andrea is and what she wants, what she feels and believes. I spent all of my life running from me. I put the blame for all my problems on you and mom, anyone close to my life.  Today I know if I have a problem I've 99.5% of the time created it myself. There's no one else to blame.

You know? You really surprised me when I went into treatment. You stuck by me. I just knew that you were gonna tell me I had really gone over the deep end this time and disown me. In some sense of the idea I had gone over the deep end, but you were there. You will never, never know how much that helped me. For the first time in my life I realized how much you loved me. That is truly the neatest feeling I've ever had.

They also told me that God would restore my relationships with my family. They being AA, of course. I can see where God is doing that. I am no longer deathly afraid of you. I know that I can come and talk to you not just as my dad, but as another person. You know, I think a lot of the change has come because I have accepted you as a human being. I no longer have unrealistic expectations set on you. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be wealthy, you don't owe me a damn thing. I just love you very much and I want so much to be closer to you (I feel I am to some extent). I know for me today to have all these things I want, I must stay sober and keep a real close relationship with my Higher Power (God) and He'll give me all I need or ever wanted just because I'm putting Him first.

I also want to thank you for never down grading me for my choice to be an active member in AA. I've always longed to be accepted by you and for a long time I looked to you to make me feel okay; and when you couldn't I would get angry and resentful. I know today that the only one that can make me feel okay is God and me. If I'm doing the best I can to be honest with myself and willing to change my attitudes instead of expecting everyone else to dance to my tune I will feel okay and I will stay sober and live a happy joyous and free life one day at a time. I guess I've rambled enough.

I just want you to know how much I truly love you. I always will -- you're my daddy! For that I am truly grateful to God.

Hugs and kisses,
Andrea

Jan 20, 2014

Her Eyes Give Her Away

I wrote this for my friend Stella DeVille on May 14, 1993 at 8:40pm CST in Sulphur Springs, AR while at a women’s AA retreat. I have tried to find it many times over the years to give to her again but I never did. I prayed and asked God to show me where it was today and to my amazement found it. I guess I wasn’t supposed to find it till now. I loved Stella deeply. God gave me the honor of watching her come into AA, sober up and grow. I sponsored her for a while in the beginning and heard her 5th step. I have sat in many meetings with her over the past few years and she has taught me so much more than I ever did her. I will miss her and never forget her. Here is what I wrote so long ago about Stella:

I am sitting here on the porch watching the sun sink slowly behind the hills. Stella asked me to write something for her and about her. I have been thinking of what to write. It has to be inspirational. I feel so inadequate. I want to write something that will touch her spirit. I keep “trying” to come up with something. I know when I let go, God will write through me. I just need to get out of the way. One of my greatest desires is to be a writer – to publish a book. Is that ego or is that God? I am not sure. Time will tell.

Now back to Stella. What do I admire in Stella? I admire her sense of humor, her willingness, her passion; I love her little child within. I love to play with her and can read her eyes.

Her Eyes Give Her Away

by Andrea Tadpole

She tries to look so strong
Yet her eyes give her away

Her eyes say I’m scared and lonely
I don’t know where I fit

She’s been through tremendous pain
I wish I could take it away
I can’t

I watch her grow
I’ve seen her change
She doesn’t like to admit it
But she’s grown
Her eyes give her away

Today they say
I’VE SURVIVED
I’M ALIVE
Show me what to do
I need to learn to live

Her eyes are full of
Excitement
Uncertainty
Joy and pain

Today she can feel
And she can cry

The tears
Wash away the dirt
And heal the wounds
They give life clarity
And help things grow

She’s a beautiful lady
I love her
She’s my soulmate
She's my sister
And her eyes give her away

Jan 15, 2014

Rhonda Nannette Broussard-Dicks

Created by Andrea Tadpole & Lamont Broussard with love

Jan 11, 2014

The Oldest

Note: I wrote this for my "Big Sis" Rhonda...I will miss her and never forget her...RIP Rhonda :'(

The Oldest

by Andrea Tadpole

You were told
From the very start
You're the oldest
You must be strong

Take care of your
Little brothers and sisters
Protect them
And guard their
Every heart

You must always
Be there
Whatever is needed
You do

Yet never
Show your
Weakness
Lest you fail
The little ones
They're always
Looking up to you

Problem is
You never learned
To let anyone
Care for you

You hid your worries
Deep inside
After all
You're the oldest
That's what you were
Supposed to do

Why does God
Let some live
While others
He let's die

It seems
He takes the
Beautiful ones
And leaves
The rest of us
To cry

I suspect
He looked down
And saw your
Every pain

Knew you couldn't
Take it and
Brought you home
Out of the rain

Jul 24, 2013

Andre

by Andrea Tadpole

I once dreamt
I'd find the one
To share a love
That's deep and true

I searched and searched
With all my heart
But everything
Just fell apart

I gave up hope
Refused to look
When out of nowhere
There you stood

You're the man
I dreamed of
All my life
The reason my heart
Took flight

I cannot believe
You've chosen me
From all the fishes
In the sea

We both work hard
To build our life
Meet up together
In the late night light

Our stolen moments
So tender and sweet
Revive my soul
And bring me peace

In all my life
I've never known 
The kind of love
I have for you

If I could have
One wish come true
It would be
To spend
Forever with you

Jul 15, 2013

My Man

Andre and I have been together for 10 months now. He is the kind of man I always dreamed of but feared I'd never find. He's not perfect and neither am I. I don't think either of us were looking for perfection. We were looking for the kind of love that stands the test of time. The kind of love that's built on mutual trust and respect with that special "chemistry" and passion that keeps life fun even in hard times. I waited to announce our relationship on Facebook until we were both sure about us and where we are going. Andre and I went to Florida for vacation together last month and we both agree that this trip is what sealed the deal for us. Andre and I "officially" moved in together last week. I'm the happiest woman in the world!

Andre, I love you with all my heart! I wrote this for you:

My Man
by Andrea Tadpole

My man
Found me
Deep in the night
Like an angel
Brought me
Back to life

When we met
His eyes twinkled
With pure delight
His smile
Illuminated me
At first sight

I fell fast and hard
From the very start
Yet he was there
To catch me
He captured
My heart

Dark brown skin
Smooth as silk
Honey sweet kisses
That make me melt
He has a way of
Touching me
In places
No one else
Has ever felt

Strong and protective
Yet soft and tender
Its finally safe
I can surrender
To the love
We share
To this man
My man
Now
Forever

Jun 28, 2013

He Always Touches Me

by Andrea Tadpole

He always touches me
Always
And when he does
It draws me in
Like a moth
To the full moon light

He always touches me
Tenderly
Sweetly
As if to say
You're my woman
All mine

He always touches me
And his sparks
Ignite my hidden passion
Into a raging fire
Of sensuality
And desire

He always touches me
And reminds me
I belong to this man
Who loves me
Safe and warm
In his arms
Forever more

Jun 14, 2013

Thoughts On Love

Thoughts On Love
by Andrea Tadpole

Love is a fragile gift
Beautiful to behold
When tasted
One is insatiable
With an unquenchable
Fiendish thirst
For more and more

Yet love cannot
Be possessed
Or reigned in
It cannot be forced
It can only be experienced
Between two lovers
Intertwined at the heart

Love can last
Forever
When cultivated
And grown
In the garden
Of two
Star-crossed souls

May 24, 2013

Courtney's 1st Birthday Letter

by Andrea Tadpole

Note: This is taken from a book my daughter and I write together called Love Letters. I wrote it for my youngest granddaughter Courtney on her first birthday. I’m sure my daughter won’t mind me posting it here, it seems appropriate. 


1/22/2008

Today is Courtney’s 1st birthday! Can you believe it?! Time runs so fast – she is already walking and trying to talk. Wow! So here is a letter to her. Hopefully she will read it someday when I’m long gone and remember how much her GeGe loves her – here goes.

Dear Courtney,

The day you were born was one of the most wonderful days of my life. The first time I saw you through the hospital nursery window my heart leapt with joy. You had this beautiful head of red hair just like my grandma Mary’s. I am sure she was dancing in heaven! Your eyes were big, beautiful blue like the ocean. From the first time you looked at me you had the ability to pierce the very depths of my soul with your gaze.

While I loved you just as much as I love all my grandchildren, I had no idea what gift you were meant to be to me. Just a few short days after your joyous birth, your cousin Michael Aydn was still born. I went from the highs of welcoming you to the very depths of sorrow at the loss of my beautiful grandson. That night after he was born I was driving around and the pain was so horrible from losing another grandbaby that I could not think straight, much less stop crying. I found myself on the side of the road crying into my cell phone to my confidant, Sandra. Apparently I had thought about driving over a cliff to end it all so the pain would stop forever. Sandra asked me what I could do at that moment that would help stop the pain in my heart. The only thing I could think of was to hold and rock you. So, I called your mom and asked if I could come over and do that. From the moment I held you in my arms it was as if you put this warm soothing medicine on my devastated soul. Here you were a mere six days old and yet you were snuggled right up to me. I sat and rocked you as tears of joy and sadness all rolled into one streamed down my face. I knew that there was hope when I looked at you and I knew that I had to stay alive for you and my other family. That night you and I forged a bond of love with each other that did not need words.

Since then I have watched you grow and learn. We have spent many hours rocking together. You always end up on my lap wanting to be rocked. I think at some level you know that you are the one rocking me. Your love has been and is what the Bible calls “the oil of joy for mourning” to me. You have a spirit of compassion and understanding like no one I have ever known. Well, your mom has that same spirit. It’s beautiful; don’t let life snuff it out.

You are so full of energy and joy. You have made me laugh and smile when I thought I never would again. I have watched you study your big sisters and I know you are taking notes. I know if you could talk you would tell them that when you get big you’re going to be like them. You don’t miss a thing.

Another thing that you have done is totally fall in love with your Uncle Sedrick. When he walks in the room the whole world stops and your eyes are fixed on him. You demand his attention and stay glued to him. I think you know he needs you. I can only imagine what losing Mikey was like for him.

So, I said all that to say this – if you ever doubt that you are here for a reason or think that God has no purpose in your life look around you. Find the one that’s hurting and down hearted and show them the love you have shown to all of us in this brief first year of your life. Go kiss your mom and babies and let them know how much you care. Treasure every second of your life because you never know when it will be your last. Whatever you do – do not lose the hope and inspiration I see in your beautiful blue eyes. Stay connected to your family, especially your mom and sisters. I wasted too many years being mad at mine for things I don’t remember now. In the end all you have is God and family so hang on to them.

Thank you for loving me my beautiful little girl.

I will love you forever,

GeGe

May 19, 2013

Laying In Bed

by Andrea Tadpole

Laying in bed
In the middle of
The night
Thinking about you
Makes my heart
Take flight

I imagine our bodies
Intertwined
In a dance of
Ecstasy 
So divine

I've dipped my toe
In the ocean of
What might be
Is it real
Or just a fantasy

Laying in bed
In the middle of
The night
Praying for answers
I gotta know
Should I stay
Should I go
Pull you close
Or run away

Your touch
Sends me reeling
In infinite bliss
I look into
Your eyes
See forever
Taste sweet nectar
In your kiss

Feelings so intense
I cannot sleep
Is what we're doing
Right
Should I take
The leap

Laying in bed
In the middle of
The night
Thoughts battle round
Till I finally give in
Start counting sheep
Till I drift off
To sleep

Do You Feel Me

by Andrea Tadpole

Do you feel
The vibration
Between us
When our
Eyes meet
Across a
Crowded room
That indescribable
Energy
Pulsating
To and fro

Do you feel
My heart
Beating next
To yours
Even though
I'm not near

Do you feel
My breath
On your neck
My sweet lips
On your cheek
Hear me whisper
Sweet nothings
In your ear

I think of you
And your scent
Comes back to me
I close my eyes
See your smile
Taste your lips
Crave your touch

Do you feel me
Cuz baby I'm
Feeling you

May 16, 2013

One Look

by Andrea Tadpole

One look
One glance
Our eyes locked
Was it fate
Or happenstance

I saw your heart
You saw mine
Undeniable
Indescribable
Connection
Born lifetimes ago

Knocked my world
Off its axis
Spinning blind  
Or was it finally
Aligned

I saw a moon
Orbiting a planet
At least I think
Or maybe it was
Two planets
Dancing together
Around the sun

One look
Is all it took
To mesmerize me
With your Essence
Make me long
For your touch
And thirst
For your love

May 2, 2013

Forbidden Fruit

Note: I wrote this a long time ago. I found it in a box I was digging through the other night.

Forbidden Fruit
by Andrea Tadpole

Forbidden fruit
Can’t you see
What the thought of you
Does to me
I dream of you all through
The night
I see you glisten
In the full moonlight
So close Yet so far away
Should I run
Or should I stay

Forbidden fruit
Can’t you see
How I long
To climb your tree
Pick your fruit
Taste your juice
Set myself free
Just let loose
Yet I know
If I dare go
It will only
End in woe

Apr 19, 2013

Family

This is in response to the comments being made on Facebook by certain people in my family about the latest drama: First and foremost, its better to talk/argue/whatever FACE TO FACE instead of being a coward and posting bullshit in social media such as Facebook (you know who you are). If can't do it face to face its better to just stay out of it altogether. Second, when my grandma died the ONLY ONES at her side were her FAMILY. Ya know, the ones she laughed with, cried with and yes, fought like hell with? All her so called "FRIENDS" were nowhere to be found. In the end all that's left is one's FAMILY, good or bad. Its best to love and cherish them while we still can. Life is but a flicker. Here and gone too fast. For the love of God, MY FAMILY should know this! Or did you already forget Michael, Zoey and little Mikey? There are many things I did in my youth to my FAMILY that hurt them, yet they're still here. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I can only live today and do my best not to be the same cruel person I was in my youth. I'm not perfect and never claimed to be. I can promise you one thing though: I LOVE MY FAMILY whether they deserve it or not. I thought I had taught my children to do the same. Today, I am facing the mortality of my parents. My dad has cancer AGAIN. I'm hoping and praying that the radiation and chemo he has to do kills the cancer and not him. My mom told me last night she heart problems and has to see a cardiologist and may have to have some kind of surgery. Somehow all the stupid arguments about who's right and who's wrong don't matter anymore. What matters is my FAMILY. Someday, hopefully a LONG, LONG time from now, my life will come to a close. I hope and pray that MY CHILDREN will have spent all the time before then loving each other and not fighting. I would hate like hell to know that the only time they saw each other was at funerals. Life is too short for the kind of bullshit ripping my family apart right now. We have spent too much time dealing with hard, sad stuff in our lives the past few years. We NEED to celebrate the GOOD STUFF together too. Please stop the fighting.

Feb 20, 2013

Artwork of Andrea Tadpole



Check out my new artwork section on my blog! Look on the right hand side of the page and you will see the link or click on the picture above. Enjoy!!

I Don't Want To Miss

by Andrea Tadpole

I don't want to miss
Another minute with you
Me lying alone
Longing for your kiss
Missing your strong arms
Holding me tight
With my head on your chest
Listening to your heartbeat
As I drift off to sleep

I don't want to
Reach for you deep
In the night
Only to find that
You're not there

A piece of me is gone
When we are apart
For wherever you go
You carry my heart

Dec 21, 2012

Letter to Sedrick 12/21/2012

by Andrea Tadpole

Sedrick,

I was lying in bed last night thinking about the last year and what all our little family (you, me, Alicia and the girls) have been through. I wanted to tell you this:

I know that your life is not perfect. I know that there is so much more that you long for. We all do. However, STOP for one moment and look at where you were at last year and where you are now. I remember. You were encamped with the enemy, all for the undying love for your little girl. I watched you have your heart ripped out by ones who supposedly loved you. I watched you lose everything.

Yet, I have watched persevere through it all. I have watched you learn to rebuild from the holocaust of divorce. I have watched you continue to be an awesome father to your little girl. I have watched you walk through the heart attack you had and face your own immortality with dignity.

You may think there is no hope. You may think you are a failure. You may think you will never find "the one" and be alone forever. Those are all lies.

See, Sedrick, in many ways you are my hero and my beacon of hope. I am so proud of you. God truly blessed me when He let me be your mom. So, stop for a minute, thank God that He has brought you through and give yourself a little pat on the back because you deserve it.

I love you forever!

~Mom~

Dec 20, 2012

Grandpa Shelby

by Andrea Tadpole

I am thinking about my grandpa Shelby Morrison today. He died many years ago. His birthday is today. I don't remember how old he would have been but it does not matter. He will always be alive in my heart.

On the outside he was big and clumsy. People often assumed he was an oaf and stupid. Boy were the wrong! Turn on some good music and he could dance like Fred Astair. My favorite memory of him is dancing in the livingroom with me and him twirling me around.

He was a quiet man and he worked hard at the railroad as a switchman most of his life. On the side he had a concession business. He sold snow cones, cotton candy and other stuff. He also sold balloons at all the area Christmas parades. He was a shrewd business man and wise beyond his years.

He was a good man and loved the Lord. He always gave food to the hungry, shelter to the homeless and clothes to the naked. He never judged anyone. He just loved people. My grandma always said he took in stray people instead of stray dogs. I only hope to be as good as him.

Every one in the neighborhood knew him as the snowcone man. To me, he was my grandpa and I loved him dearly.

I miss you grandpa! Keep watch over my grandbabies and other loved ones till I get there! I'm still dancing!!

Love you!!!  ~Andi~

Dec 14, 2012

Butterflies

by Andrea Tadpole

Everywhere I turn
I see butterflies
As if you are saying
Hi
I'm still here

An ever present
Reminder of
The brevity of life
The beauty
And wonder
Encapsulated in
The flutter of
Angel's wings

In 11 minutes
You captured me
Emersed me
In your love
Etched your spirit
On my heart
Forever

The years may pass
But you will never be
Forgotten

Every time
I see a butterfly
Your brought
Back to life
For me
Again and again
I remember
How you fought
To stay with us
And how your
Spirit filled the room
With light
Brighter than
The sun

Merry Christmas
My sweet little butterfly
I love you
Forever

Dec 13, 2012

Fall

I heard this song last night the touched me like no other has in a long time, the lyrics are beautiful…

Fall

by Clay Walker

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Here is the link to Tate Stevens singing it on XFactor:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KzIO8CUUhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Dec 11, 2012

Happy Mother's Day Momma

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is my all time favorite that he wrote just for me many years ago!!

Watch "Happy Mother's Day Momma by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Kaylee's Song

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Kaylee's Song by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Cistern

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Cistern by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Listen to Our Hearts

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Listen to Our Heart by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

My Heart Yearns

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "My Heart Yearns by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Weakness

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:
Watch "Weakness by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Dec 10, 2012

Elaine

by Andrea Tadpole

Today is my 50th birthday and I found myself rushing across town on my lunch break to pick up a package from my best friend, Elaine. It occurred to me on the crazy drive over that I did it because it's all about the connection I have with her. She lives hundreds of miles away in Pennsylvania, yet she has been my friend for over 20 years. After she moved from Tulsa several years ago, we remained friends and she has been my lifeline over the phone.

She is 20 years older than me biologically and I am 5 years older than her in sobriety. See, I took her to her first meeting and I really had no idea whether she would stay sober or not. Honestly, I thought all was lost and she was beyond all hope. I just knew she could not be saved. Yet, I was given the glorious gift of getting to watch her rebirth. Over the last 20 years I have watched God fashion her into a mighty, beautiful woman. She has grown in stature and strength. To be given the gift of watching her grow in sobriety is a rare treasure. The wisdom, love and brutal honesty she has given me along the way are worth more to me than all the riches in the world.

Over the years we have laughed and cried, we have cussed and screamed when life has kicked us in the teeth, yet we have kept trudging together. There was, at one point, a period of months when we did not talk at all. Looking back I can see that my life got too dramatic for anyone to handle and I understand why she stepped back now. But we eventually reconnected and our friendship survived. We are brutally honest with each other. I think that is what has held us together.

The longest term relationship I have ever had is with her. It is one I will treasure for the rest of my life. Elaine I love you, thank you for the gift. I hope we see each other again soon!

Fifty

by Andrea Tadpole

Wow!! I'm sitting here on my 50th birthday at 12:07am. I am both grateful and stunned that I've lived this long. I keep counting the years and thinking I must have added wrong. Yet I didn't. Here I am. I'm 50. I've lived half a century. It blows my mind!

I have spent my life hurrying to get to one age or another. I could not wait to get to 16 so I could drive. I wanted freedom so bad and 16 symbolized that for me. Then there was 18. I wanted to be an adult so I could call my own shots and not answer to anyone. Of course I wanted to be 21 so I could get in a bar or liquor store without having to lie.

Then I got sober at 23. It was as if time stood still in a way. I stopped counting days to the next age and just lived for today. I focused on my recovery from alcoholism. I worked the steps and tried to set my life right. I did not do everything perfect but through God's grace I celebrated 26 years of sobriety this past July.

I got busy focusing on raising my family. Looking back I don't think I did a very good job of it, but I put my whole heart into it. God blessed me with the most wonderful son and daughter a mother could ever have. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the depth of love and pride I have a for them. It seems like just when I got the hang of being a mom they grew up and moved away. A day does not go by that I don't long for the the sound of my son's music in the background and my daughter chattering away to me about something. Those are lost moments that I blurred through with the busyness of life and now I treasure with everything.

I spent my 40s getting my college education that everyone said I wasn't smart enough to do. I followed my heart, my passion and I got a degree in art. I graduated Summa Cum Laude. I also earned a 4.0 GPA while I got an MBA. I even surprised myself! I don't have much to show for all my education but I KNOW I DID IT! I loved every minute of college. I realized I love to learn. I believe that learning keeps my mind sharp and it keeps me young.

In the middle of all that came my grandchildren. Oh what an awesome, awesome gift and surprise my granddaughters are. I have 4 of them. Each of them are exquisite and beautiful jewels. They make my heart sing and keep me young. They bring me the greatest joy because I don't have to be anybody special with them. I just have to be me and love them. They have no idea the depth of love I have for them. I only hope that I am able to impart a tenth of the wisdom that my grandparents gave to me. How else will they survive in a world that I will never see?

When I was younger I had a plan for my life and I had an idea of where I should be at each stage in my head. Problem is I never planned past the age of 25... I really thought I'd never live past that. Yet here I am! OMFG! I AM 50!

I have a million thoughts running through my head. I have the shouldas. You know the ones that say you shoulda done this or you shoulda done that? Then there's the couldas. You know how those go...why was I so stupid? I coulda done this or I coulda done that? Last but not least the oughtas. I oughta be this or I oughta do that. I could write all these thoughts out but I'm sure that you know what they are.

There's a part of me that wants to panic because I think OMG I've lived most of my life. In the grand scheme of things I don't have much time left. I have so much more living to do. How am I going to cram it all into 20 or 30 years? I also think about the responsibility I have to my children and grandchildren. I think of all the things that I need to teach them. I think of all the things that my grandma taught me. Things that took her a lifetime to teach me. I hope I didn't get started too late.

I have more questions today than answers and I'm okay with that. See, I finally figured out I don't have to know everything. I just have to be open to God. I have to trust Him and follow the path where He leads even when the road is twisty-windy and I'm afraid. I have found some of the most beautiful gifts in the weirdest twists along the path in my life. I believe that's when God has taken my screw ups and made them into something awesome.

The last year and a half has been difficult yet good. I've done a lot of growing. I have ended some relationships and started new ones. The most important relationship I have started is one with myself. For the first time in my life I've lived alone. No man. No children. Just me. I think I finally figured out how to take care of myself. I finally understand what "I am responsible for my own happiness" means. Most of the time when I am unhappy it is because I am not being true to myself. I am busy trying to people please to make someone else happy at my own expense. As long as I stay true to who I really am, I am at peace within myself and I am happy.

God has blessed me with good friends and with people that I love with all my heart. I hope they are there in my future. Time will tell. A good friend of mine told me one time that it's okay to plan for the future just write it in pencil and carry a big eraser. Yet there are some people in my life that I want to write in with a sharpy marker so they will never leave. Like I said time will tell. ;-)

One last thought...I am a lot like my grandmother Lillian who is still living at over 90 years old. She is still very active and has her mind about her. She is a very fiesty, strong and independent woman. She told me that age is just a number. That if we think we're old we will act old no matter what our age is. I for one refuse to get old. I don't care what is socially acceptable or unacceptable for anybody at 50 years of age or older to do or not do. I am going to do whatever I want the way I want. If I want to dress crazy I'm going to dress crazy. If I want to do my hair weird I'm going to do my hair weird. If I wanna go dance in the street I'm going to go dance in the street. If you don't like it don't watch. I'm going to be like my grandma and I'm going to LIVE every moment I have left until the day I die. So if you're one of my intimate friends or family members, humor me, come along with me and enjoy the ride!

Dec 4, 2012

Lying Here Beside You

by Andrea Tadpole

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep

Passions ignited
In ways unknown to me
Never thought
I'd see the day
My dream
Would come to be

Your heart is
Bright and beautiful
It takes my
Breath away
Your spirit
Strong yet gentle
In everything
You do

You mind is sharp
Your word is true
Your wise beyond
Your years

Your smile contagious
Your laughter infectious

Oh my God
I'm so
In love with you

Surely you're an angel
Sent from God above
For when
All hope was lost
I was throwing
In the towel
You swept me up
In your strong arms
And gave me life anew

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Feeling you touch me
In places oh so deep
Knowing that I'm safe
As long as
I'm next to you

Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep

Nov 27, 2012

Lost In A Fog

by Andrea Tadpole

Lost in a fog
A daze
Of wasted time
And spent
Emotion

Trying to find
My way
But I'm blinded
By an
Ocean

Consumed with
Regrets
About what
Shoulda been
Fears
Of what
Could be

If only I could
Clear my mind
And find a
Guiding light

Maybe then
There'd be an
End to this long
Dark night

Then I would
Be free
From the ache
That's deep within

I could once
More embrace
My world
To rise and
Live again

Nov 25, 2012

Why I Love Elephants and Michael Jackson

A lot of people never knew what an awesome writer Michael Jackson was. His poetry and essays spoke volumes to me. Here is one of his essays that describes why I have been captivated by elephants for my entire life. Enjoy!

So The Elephants March

by Michael Jackson

A curious fact about elephants is this: In order to survive, they mustn't fall down. Every other animal can stumble and get back up again. But an elephant always stands up, even to sleep. If one of the herd slips and falls, it is helpless. It lies on its side, a prisoner of its own weight. Although the other elephants will press close around it in distress and try to lift it up again, there isn't usually much they can do. With slow heaving breaths, the fallen elephant dies. The others stand vigil, then slowly move on.

This is what I learned from nature books, but I wonder if they are right. Isn't there another reason why elephants can't fall down? Perhaps they have decided not to. Not to fall down is their mission.

As the wisest and most patient of the animals, they made a pact -- I imagine it was eons ago, when the ice ages were ending. Moving in great herds across the face of the earth, the elephants first spied tiny men prowling the tall grasses with their flint spears."What fear and anger this creature has," the elephants thought." But he is going to inherit the earth. We are wise enough to see that. Let us set an example for him." 

Then the elephants put their grizzled heads together and pondered. What kind of example could they show to man? They could show him that their power was much greater that his, for that was certainly true. They could display their anger before him, which was terrible enough to uproot whole forests. Or they could lord it over man through fear, trampling his fields and crushing his huts. In moments of great frustration, wild elephants will do all of these things, but as a group, putting their heads together, they decided that man would learn best from a kinder message. 

"Let us show him our reverence for life," they said. And from that day on, elephants have been silent, patient, peaceful creatures. They let men ride them and harness them like slaves. They permit children to laugh at their tricks in the circus, exiled from the great African plains where they once lived as lords.

But the elephants' most important message is in their movement. For they know that to live is to move. Dawn after dawn, age after age, the herds march on, one great mass of life that never falls down, an unstoppable force of peace.

Innocent animals, they do not suspect that after all this time, they will fall from a bullet by the thousands. They will lie in the dust, mutilated by our shameless greed. The great males fall first, so that their tusks can be made into trinkets. Then the females fall, so that men may have trophies.The babies run screaming from the smell of their own mothers' blood, but it does them no good to run from the guns. Silently, with no one to nurse them, they will die, too, and all their bones bleach in the sun. In the midst of so much death, the elephants could just give up. All they have to do is drop to the ground. That is enough. They don't need a bullet: Nature has given them the dignity to lie down and find their rest. But they remember their ancient pact and their pledge to us, which is sacred.

So the elephants march on, and every tread beats out words in the dust: "Watch, learn, love. Watch, learn, love." Can you hear them? One day in shame, the ghosts of ten thousand lords of the plains will say, "We do not hate you. Don't you see at last? We were willing to fall, so that you, dear small ones, will never fall again."

Nov 24, 2012

Dancing All Alone

by Andrea Tadpole

I'm so tired of
Dancing all alone
I feel like my heart
Doesn't have
A home

I go out
On the weekends
To find release
In the rhythm
Of the beat
Hoping it will
Soothe the ache
Set me free

Yet I'm always
Reminded
That I'm
Dancing alone
When the slow dance
Comes
And I've no one
To hold

Its as if I'm
Invisible
Nobody sees
That I just want
A partner
To dance with me

Nov 10, 2012

Someone To Hold On To

I just need
Someone to
Hold on to
When life throws
Me for a spin
I don't know where
It begins or ends
And the answers
Don't come from within

Just need strong arms
To grasp me
Never let me go
Hold me through
The long dark night
When I feel alone
Find no strength within
Need an anchor
When storm clouds roll

Just be there
Hold me
Let me fall apart
With you

In your arms
I find the
Peace and strength
To stand up again

Nov 7, 2012

Response to White Devil Comment on Facebook

I sure hope I'm not included as one of those white devils in your diatribe. You know I'm not racist. While I agree with the spirit of what you are saying, African Americans are not the only race that has been disenfranchised in our nation's history.

Lets not forget the OUTRIGHT EXTERMINATION of Native Americans...all in the selfish pursuit of land. It breaks my heart to think that MY ANCESTORS died being forced to leave their homes and walk across this country in the dead of winter when the federal government took their homes away. Funny everyone so easily forgets that.

As for myself personally, I am disenfranchised and discriminated against every day by employers, government officials, businesses and individuals because I am disabled. Don't start preaching about ADA laws to me either. They are worthless because most officials refuse to enforce them. I am treated like a stupid deaf girl everywhere I turn. I could bring you to tears with stories of outright public humiliation I have endured. Yet when I have sought help by officials, attorneys, dept of justice, etc. NO ONE WAS THERE.

The reality is until we ALL drop our blinders and embrace the differences in everyone no matter what our race, religion, creed, sexual preference, disability or ability, class, etc we are still doomed. Until we drop our sad stories (me included), stop living in the past and UNITE for the future we will never get any better as a nation no matter who the president is.

Thankful List 2012

Everyone is posting a daily thing they are thankful for on Facebook so I figured if you can't beat em join em...my thankful list all at once since I'm too busy to stop every day (I never follow the rules anyway)

1. God, AA and my sobriety
2. My daddy for being there for me
3. My son Sedrick Zelsnack. I only hope to be as wonderful as him when I grow up! Oh and his music is awesome :)
4. My daughter Alicia Zelsnack. She is beautiful, sweet and a awesome mother. I adore her!!
4. My granddaughter Destiny who has given me a reason to keep going when things get tough.
5. My granddaughter Kaylee who has shown me the true meaning of love.
6. My granddaughter Bella whose artwork makes my heart sing!
7. My granddaughter Courtney who always reminds me to laugh!
8. Old doors closing
9. New doors opening
10. A good job
11. My best friend Elaine Lamont. She has been a voice of wisdom and there when no one else was.
12. My new friend Lindsey Vandeventer. Can't wait to see what the future holds!
13. Music...the healing balm to my weary soul
14. Art...because it gives me a way to express myself
15. My sponsor Gail for hanging in there with me all these years!
16. My ex husbands for teaching me what I DON'T WANT in a relationship
17. Dancing...it has set my spirit free!
18. A place to live that's warm and safe. Some of my friends don't have that right now :(
19. Food to eat...this time last year I didn't have any.
20. Peace of mind and hope
21. Passion...life would be so boring without it!
22. Love...for without love none of the other stuff matters!

Happy Turkey Day to all!!

Oct 20, 2012

Forgiveness

This is an answer to my son's question posted in Facebook. He wanted to know if we asked God for forgiveness for a sin we were about to commit, would God forgive us. Here is my answer:

Forgiveness

By Andrea Tadpole

What if your daughter did that? Would you forgive her? While you would not shelter her from the consequences of her actions I suspect that you would forgive her because you love her so deeply and unconditionally. Forgiveness is not about US as people. Forgiveness is about GOD and WHO HE IS. He loves us because of WHO HE IS not because we are perfect enough. He loves us in spite of our humanity.

I refuse to believe that God plays mind f*** games with us like that. You know...give us free will then impose rigid rules impossible to follow so that He can slap us down when we falter? No way! God loves us and FORGAVE before we were conceived. Why else would He have sacrificed His only son?

I don't mean to brow beat you Sedrick. Just sharing what I believe. See, your MY SON, my firstborn. I never knew what unconditional love was till I held you in my arms. There is NOTHING that you could ever do to separate my love from you. I forgave you of anything you ever do (assuming I have that ability - that's another discussion for another day) before you were born even though I didn't know it at the time. That's what unconditional love is. Its a bond like no other. I believe that God's love is lifetimes stronger.

I'm sure your other FB friends will chime in and slam my comments to hell and back with Biblical references and religious dogma. That's cool discussion helps one clarify what and why we believe things. But, in the end, listen to your OWN heart. The answer is there deep within. Let the Holy Spirit guide you. I love you to infinity ~Mom~

Sep 27, 2012

If I'm Dreaming

by Andrea Tadpole

If I’m dreaming
Do not wake me
Just let me slumber
In this bliss

For I’ve stayed awake
Too long
In the harsh reality
That there is
No one for me

Longing for love
To come
Rest in my heart
Yet finding none

Now here it is
Like a long lost
Friend
Full of fire
And passion
That was stolen
From my youth

If I’m dreaming
Do not wake me
Bathe me in the
Warmth of your
Strong arms
Around me

Let me feel your touch
Taste your kiss
Hear you whisper
Secrets of love
To me in the
Depths of the night

If I’m dreaming
Do not wake me
Fly high with me
In this ecstasy
And see
If our dreams
Can become
Reality

Aug 18, 2012

Random Thoughts on 8-17-12

by Andrea Tadpole

I have a lot of things on my mind these days. Too many thoughts run through my head and I cannot focus on one. I am so lonely most of the time, even when I'm in a crowd. I see people around me but I peer at them as if through a crack in my door. Inside, everyone is held at bay. They only get in so far and I choke. I don't know why. I am not REALLY talking to anyone. I find myself smiling and nodding a lot but never really saying where I am at. I feel myself slipping away but I don't know where I am going.

I went to a funeral for a friend's baby boy the other day. During the eulogy I stood there and thought about all the deaths I have been through. Since 2004 I have buried at least 10 family members and friends. The very thought of it sickens me. The sorrow is at depths I have never known and there are no words to describe it.

My mind went back to my granddaughter Zoey's birth, her 11 minute fight to live and her death. Her funeral is a blur now. All I remember is begging God over and over to let me switch places with her. A couple of years later we buried her bother Mikey, a few spots over from her.

Mikey was my only grandson. There is no way to describe the torment I went through when Mikey died. I was not allowed at the viewing. I was banned from the funeral and not allowed to stand under the same pavilion I was sitting at today. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to him; all because of some asinine misunderstanding. It crushed me to the very depths of my soul. I sat on my granddaughter's bench and sobbed during the service. The evil ones running the show, my son's mother-in-law and father-in-law tried to have me removed from the grounds. It didn't work. I was allowed to drop a single handful of dirt on my grandson's tiny coffin and that was all. There was no one to really console me. The one's that were there expected me to just shake it off and move on.

Since that horrible day my son and I have rebuilt our relationship. His sorry excuse for a wife is now an ex and her evil spirited family is gone. All that's left are the two graves of my two grandchildren whom I would gladly give my life up for still today. The relationship I was in is over. I was laid off from my job. Everything in my life has fallen apart. It's all dead and gone.

While I was thinking about these things I was gazing at the crowd and I saw my friend Donnie in the background. For a brief moment my heart leapt inside me. I have missed him so much. He was smiling his ornery smile that always made me laugh. I chuckled in the midst of my tears. Then I remembered; Donnie was killed in a head on collision a couple of months ago. I didn't go to his funeral because I could not bear it.

At that moment I knew Donny's spirit was there to tell me goodbye and that he was okay. I am grateful for that gift, yet it does not make reality any better. It does not make the gnawing ache in my heart go away. I am afraid the knot in my throat is permanent and I will choke back tears for the rest of my life.

Over the past few years I have had to pull myself from the ashes and try to move on; I just don't do it very gracefully. How can one recover from such annihilation with any dignity left? How does one do it? Tell me, because I haven't found a way. The best I can do is just make it through each day, one day at a time.

There are days the ache in my heart is suffocating and it is a fight to get out of bed and go to work. At times I have no ability to really connect with anyone. I am just there. That's all. I am an artist. I love to create whether its a painting, drawing, stained glass, photography; yet I have hit a block in many of my creative outlets. I have not painted or drawn anything since Zoey died. I started a painting of her. The sorrow was so heavy I could not finish it. It's still in my closet unfinished. I keep thinking some day I will get back to it.

The one thing I have done continually is writing. I love writing my thoughts and feelings. Like writing stories about my life and I love to write poetry. It is very healing. I don't think I am a good writer but it helps to put it out there. I have a blog where I keep it all. I secretly hope I get thousands of followers some day but know in reality that will probably not happen.

Today I have a job. It's not a permanent job, but nothing in this life is permanent anyway, is it? I honestly have no idea where I am going. I just want to find peace inside myself again. I want to quiet the gnawing ache in my heart or at least learn to live in spite of it. I want to paint and draw again. I want to find the courage to write the book I see in my heart. The pages are blank and that terrifies me. I suspect though that if I just start writing the words will come and the pages will be filled.

I find the greatest joy still lies in spending time with my granddaughters when I allow myself to do it. They are like soothing balm to my weary soul. True gifts of beauty, light, fire and joy from above. I am blessed to be there grandmother. They give me so much more than I could ever give them.

I am not sure where my life's journey will take me, but I hope it is somewhere good. I've had all the sorrow I can take for a lifetime.