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Faith

My husband Andre has been very sick for several months. He has gotten weaker and weaker to the point of pretty much bedridden. It has been very difficult to watch the man I so deeply love disintegrate right before my eyes. 

All of this culminated into major surgery yesterday. After the surgery I spoke to the surgeon. The news devastated me because the extent of damage was much worse and recovery is much longer than originally anticipated. 

I wrote the following message to our family about it all. After sending the message to everyone and saying a prayer, his condition improved greatly. I believe in faith in God and the power of prayer. Here is what I wrote.

Faith

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

4/2/24

I wish I could tell you I am ok, but I am not. I have a million details running through my head right now. How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that? What about medical equipment, etc., ad nauseum. 

I always choose a word of intention for the week, one word to focus on all week. My word this week was FAITH. 

Right now, I do not feel like I have much faith. Yet, all God needs is something even as tiny as a cell in my body. I have that. My whole life, when all is falling down around me and it looks hopeless, I take that tiny little cell of faith and focus on Jesus.

It is times like these that God shows His greatest mercy and love. If God can part the Red Sea, if Jesus can heal a woman who merely touched His robe in a crowd, if He can heal a paralyzed man lowered in from a roof or make a blind man see; then He can heal Andre. 

Just please pray that God gives me and Andre strength to get through the days ahead. 

Please ask God to protect my heart from any anger thrown my way. I will not lie. My heart is breaking, and I am scared. 

Yet, in the midst of it all, one little song still trips through my head:

Jesus loves me this, I know...

And that's all I need to know.

I love each of you very much!!

My Thoughts On Life's Path

This was recorded by Andrea Tadpole-Broussard on Saturday, February 24, 2024.

My Thoughts On Life's Path

Am I Becoming a Crow?

Am I Becoming a Crow?

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

2/12/24

Those of you who know me know that I am always looking for signs and symbols around me. I believe they are messages from the other side, aka Heaven. I am always finding coins. Today was no different. I found a quarter and a penny. For some reason, coins always remind me of my Dad. I also found a tiny cross with a beautiful red gem in it. I do not think it is worth anything. It is just pretty to me. My first thought when I saw it was that it would go on my altar that I will start creating soon. I had already asked God to send me the things that belonged on it. So, this is the first one.

Later, as I was sweeping up leaves I went to an area I rarely sweep. There was this beautiful reflection of a rainbow on the concrete. I immediately thought of God’s promises and could have sworn He was standing right there. I clearly heard Him say, “Andrea, do not worry. I got you in my hands. I promised to always take care of you and I do not break my promises.” I stood there for a moment and let God’s comfort and peace wash over me. Then I kept sweeping.

As I swept, I was thinking about symbols and signs I see all the time. My mind went to the crow. I know it is my spirit animal, in fact all birds are. They always have been. However, the crow is extra special to me because it is my connection to my Dad in the spirit. I beckons to me.

I kept cleaning as my mind wandered. I remembered a story I read about how crows like to collect shiny objects. I realized that is exactly what I do. The question arose in my heart, “Am I becoming a crow?” I do not mean physically, I am talking metaphorically.

This question started an inner dialog with myself. Yes, I do have conversations with myself and God. I do not have a problem with that. People who do not do that are the abnormal ones. Not me. So, I began to think about all the birds that have crossed my path throughout my spiritual journey in life. Of them, the ones I have felt most drawn to are pigeons and especially crows since my Dad transitioned to the other side.

Crows have always been seen by most people as the lowest and most worthless birds. They are seen as a nuisance. I mean, farmers do have scarecrows after all. They are not wanted and do not fit in wherever they go. Yet, they are highly intelligent and excellent problem solvers. They are also known to be collectors of random things, especially if they are shiny.

My mind drifted to how my Dad used to tell me that he grew up without a bed and slept in the floor most nights. I remember when I was a little girl one time  he took me to see the home he was raised in. It had dirt floors, maybe two rooms and no running water or plumbing. His parents were very poor. My Dad told me he was treated as worthless as a child and felt like he never fit in. Yet,  just like the crow, he was highly intelligent and a great problem solver.

As an adult he worked hard. He served in the Navy and got an education. He always provided for us and we always had a bed to sleep in. When my Dad transitioned to the other side and we started going through his stuff, I found collections of random things many of them shiny, much like what I imagine crows collect. I kept some of them because just like my Dad and the crow, I have always been a collector.

Back to the question that I asked myself, “Am I becoming a crow?” I certainly hope I am! The spirit of a crow is just like my Dad’s; fiesty, stubborn, flamboyant with a sense of humor that will make you laugh so hard your sides ache. Yet, they both love their family and life’s misfits with a passion that never dies.

So, today, I will continue to be the crow and collect the shiny things. I will keep looking for signs and symbols from the other side. For, it is in these messages from Heaven that my eyes are open to the beauty that I can only see with my heart. It is where hope springs eternally and where love lives forever.

Tribute for My Father - 2 Years

Tribute for My Father - 2 Years

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

2/11/24

It took me a little while to get this done. My voice isn't too good and I didn't feel like putting makeup on. So, here I am raw and real remembering my Daddy. 💜💜💜

Tribute to My Father - 2 Years

My Jesus

My Jesus

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

2/11/24

I read a post today that got my brain whirling. Instead of answering directly on the page I read it on I decided to write my own thing. So here goes...

I did not find my Jesus in a church, although I attended them almost every Sunday for most of my childhood. I know the Bible and could wow everybody with everything that was crammed in my head as a child and things that I have learned when I have seriously studied it as an adult. Yet, honestly, I see no point in doing that. Just because one can spout the Bible does not mean they are a Christian. I read a saying once that said, "Sitting in a church pew does not make someone a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage turns someone into a car." That is how I tend to think about it.

Before what I call my "rebirth day" aka my sobriety date, I was saved and baptized every time I told a lie, committed some kind of weird sin or whatever other gloom and doom the pastor was preaching about that Sunday. I wore the aisles out going down to get saved again. Yet, the pews were filled with the biggest bigots in the world in most of the churches I attended. 

For me, the worst place to find unconditional love was in a church. People in most churches kicked their wounded, instead of loving them and picking them back up when they fell. That is just me and my experience. Other people love church or what I call organized religion, and I am all for it...for you. It just does not work for me. 

Most whitewashed tombs AKA churches in our nation and cities today, especially in Tulsa, would not recognize my Jesus if He sat down next to them. They would probably throw Him out. I am sure He would turn the tables in the temple on His way out because of the way they have perverted and made a mockery of the message of love He tried to teach us.

When I finally truly found my Jesus, I was in my bedroom floor sobbing, wanting to end my life. I just wanted to find a way to stay sober and clean. I cried out to my Jesus, and He came to me, right there in my bedroom floor. I was 23 years old. I have been sober since that day. When I was about 30 years old, I had a near death experience. Yet again, my Jesus came to me. I have no doubt in the existence of my Jesus and the love He has for all of us. We are the ones that shut Him out. He is always there, waiting for us to let Him back in.

Do I live a perfect life? Absolutely not! Most days, I am a bull in a China closet, bumbling through life and breaking everything I touch. I am socially awkward and keep my circle small, mainly because I suck at peopling. Hell, one minute I can be driving down the road praying and singing praise and worship music, and the next, some idiot cuts me off, and I am cussing at them and flipping them off.

I am who I am. Most days, I fail greatly at the principles and values my Jesus taught me and that I aspire to. I am so grateful that my Jesus knows everything about me; good, bad, and ugly and loves me anyway. That is because His love for me is not about me at all. It is about Him and the unconditional grace and mercy He has for me and all of us. For too many years in my life, I tried to get good enough to come to my Jesus. At 23 years old, on my face sobbing in my bedroom floor, I finally realized it never mattered how good I was. He loved me face down in my puke, drunk just as much as He does with over 37 years of sobriety today. It is all about His unconditional love. It is always there. It is up to me to allow it into my heart and life.

When I was about 13 or 14 years old, my parents decided that I needed to attend a Bible study with them about Revelations and the end times. We went every week for the longest time. I absolutely hated doing that because the man who taught it made me afraid. The things he taught, made me feel like I had to dance on the head of a pin, or be careful not to step on a crack, or do something else wrong so that I did not screw up somehow and miss the "rapture." I carried all the things this man told and all the horrible pictures he painted around in my mind for years. That was part of the reason why I kept going up and down the aisles of churches trying to get saved. I was scared to death that I would be left behind!

After I got sober, for the first time in my life, I realized that it was okay if I had my own conception of God, my Jesus, or a Higher Power. Also, my relationship with my Higher Power was and still is very sacred and personal to me. It is not anyone else's business and is not up for judgment from anyone. For me, if I do not have a relationship with a Higher Power, I am going to die because I will drink again. And, for me to drink is to die. So, I am very protective of my relationship with my Jesus today.

Over the last 37 years in my journey of sobriety, I have studied every religion I can get my hands on. I have studied all kinds of spiritual paths. I have studied the Bible intensely. I have learned the history of religions, my Jesus, the writings, and various translations of the Bible, you name it. I have researched other gods. See, I believe that if my Jesus is so weak that I have to keep Him in a tiny little box and I am afraid to look at other concepts with an open mind, then I am believing in the wrong thing. I also believe that if I am living in fear of stepping on a crack or something and missing the "rapture," then I believe in the wrong thing.

Over the years, I have come to realize that my Jesus is all that is important to me. My Jesus is not a religious organization. My Jesus is not a certain translation of the Bible or denomination. My Jesus gets me like nobody else does. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to worry about whether I take the mark of the beast or not; whether I scan my groceries with a scanner or allow my employer to digitally deposit my checks that I am goimg to miss the "rapture". None of that matters! Yet that kind of crap was crammed in my head as a young teenager. How crazy is that?! That is nothing to do with my Jesus at all!!!!

 My Jesus is very much my best friend. He walks beside me every step of the way in my life and very often carries me. There have also been times He has drug my ass, kicking and screaming all the way, because I get caught up in fear. When I look back at those times, I can see that I was looking with my fleshy eyes when I should have been looking with my spirit. Yet, my Jesus knew my heart and drug me anyway until I could get up walk alongside Him once again.

I am not writing this to impress anyone. Frankly, I do not care what anyone else thinks. I guess I just want others to know that my Jesus is not about all the lies and crap thrown around in so-called churches today. He is not at all about fire and brimstone , gloom and doom, and some getcha God that we should fear. The message of my Jesus was and still is very simple, "Love one another as I have loved you."

Signs and Symbols From The Other Side

Signs and Symbols From The Other Side

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

2/8/24

Most people think I am nuts because I really believe strongly that our loved ones leave us signs and symbols from the other side when they pass on. I believe they do this because the gap between the two dimensions we each now live in is very difficult to cross. Some people have the gift to channel, I guess, but most of us cannot do that. So, our loved ones find different ways to make us stop and pay attention. They want us to see that they are still around us in spirit.

Today, I found another random quarter. At least some people would say it was a random one. I absolutely know this was from my Daddy. It was not random at all. It has the year 2022 on the face of it. I refuse to say that my Daddy died. Instead, I say he transitioned to the other side. This happened on February 11, 2022. I was there to lead him home. On the face, this quarter it looks a little beat up. Yet, when I flipped it over in my hand the other side looked brand new. Of course, it would be a picture of one of the beloved chiefs of our Cherokee tribe! I stood there laughing at the pure joy of seeing it as chills ran up my arm. My Daddy was and still is a very proud Cherokee man. He knew and absolutely adored Willma Mankiller.

The thought of them together on the other side blows my mind! My heart is overflowing with gratitude now knowing that my Daddy and my other ancestors, especially my Cherokee ones, are still here guiding me in spirit. I know they are here to protect me and that no matter what choufes I make in life, I will always be okay. After all, my Daddy promised to always have my back, even after he passed on.

Thank you my dear, sweet Daddy for another hello from the other side. You know that between me and you, we both realize that you are just in another dimension. Some people call it Heaven, I call it the other side. To me it is all the same.

I miss you so much Daddy! Yet, I know you are well and happy. I kniw you are my guide in the spirit because I feel your energy all around me every day.

Till we meet again in the same dimension, just know that I think about you and talk to you all the time. For me, you are not gone. You are here within my heart and in the love we still share. I love you Daddy!! 💜🌟💜🌟💜

For My Friend Wanda

For My Friend Wanda 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

2/6/24

Wanda, something you posted a few days ago touched my heart and got me thinking. I remember reading a story somewhere years ago about a man who tried to change the direction of a river so it would not flow on his property in this one particular spot. I sure wish I could remember the name of the story, but I do not know it right now. What I remember is that he went through all this work and trouble for a very long time to finally get the river to flow in a different direction. At least he thought he had finally mastered it. 

The very next day, a massive rainstorm hit and the river went back to where it had always flowed in the spot he did not want. The moral of the story was that you cannot change the flow of the river. So, instead of wasting time trying to, it is better to just go with it. I translated that as accept that it is God's will, even if it makes no sense to me.

For some reason, that story has always stuck with me in my heart. I suppose it is because I am just like that man. I am always trying to change the flow of a formidable power that I can never change. I have wasted a lot of my life doing that. My continued failures at trying to have led me down some shady paths. Until I could accept things as being exactly as they are supposed to be, I did not find freedom or peace.

The second anniversary of what I call my Father's transition to the other side is coming up on February 11th. I have been remembering the months before he passed better lately. For the longest time, they were just a big blur. I tried so hard to keep him alive. I did everything I could, said every prayer I knew, chanted mantras, burnt incencse, you name it. Yet, it was not meant to be. Just like I could not change the flow of a river; I could not keep my Dad alive. 

I do not know why I am telling you this other than this has what has been on my mind lately. See, my Dad and I started out very rough in life. He was good to me when I was a baby and young child, but when I became a teenager he got vicious. I suppose when you are dealing with a rebellious teenager who is drinking, drugging and roaring through your life like a tornado all the time, one might get vicious too. All I know is that as a young person, I hated him with all my guts. There were many nights as a teenager that I would wish and pray that he would die.

Yet, when I got sober at 23 some how, some way God found a way into both of our hearts and we found forgiveness for eachother. We worked our asses off on our relationship together. It was not perfect, but we absolutely loved each other and we knew it. I have the deepest gratitude for the gift of love that God gave to me and my Dad. If you had known where we came from, you would understand what a beautiful miracle this was and still is.

The last 3 months of his life I spent the majority of it sitting every evening watching TV and holding hands with him. That is all he wanted from me. Just to sit and hold his hand. Those simple, quiet moments with him are forever etched my heart. 

When I was there to help him make his transition, I begged God not to let him die. Then, I realized again that I could not change the flow of the river he was on. The greatest gift I could give him was to let him go. When you love someone that deeply, you do what you have to do. I know you understand this.

I still talk about my Dad every day. I still tell his stories. I still talk to him every day. I feel him all around me. I see him everywhere I go. I see him in the trees and birds. I see him in the roses when they bloom outside in my yard. I feel him in the gentle breeze when I finally sit still. I see him in the things he leaves me along life's journey like quarters, pennies and feathers. They probably mean nothing to anyone but me. But they remind me that my Father is still with me even though my fleshy eyes can not see him. Most of all these things remind me that the love we shared is still alive.

I guess I am sharing this with you because I understand why you still talk about your husband. I understand why you still say his name. I understand why you still tell your stories about him. It is because the love you shared with him will never die. So, keep saying his name and telling stories about him. For it is within doing this that his love for you continues to live. 💜

Just listen....💜

Just one of my videos...

Click here to open the video

LIGHT

LIGHT

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

1/31/23

I am a member of a group on Facebook called Gratitude Slam. I am also a part of a program called LOYT aka Life On Your Terms. One of our assignments was to pick a one-word intention for 2024. I kind of like the thought of that because it is a little different than declaring a resolution. I never set resolutions because I am pretty sure that I will never keep them. 

Right after I was given this assignment a couple of weeks ago I started paying attention to words that would appear around me. One that started being very obvious was the word light. It seemed like everywhere I turned this word was there. So, I started thinking about it. I wanted to understand what light meant to me.

One of the first things that comes to mind when I think about the word light is where it says in the Bible that Jesus is the light of the world. I do not know the exact scripture but I know it is in there. I also know that light can be defined as illumination or it can be defined as the lack of heaviness.

The word light symbolises to me personally, that I want the heaviness of my life to stop. I need things to be light. I feel like there is so much responsibility on my shoulders for so many people and it is way too heavy for me. So I just need it to be light.

I am an artist and I am very creative. The greatest light that I have inside of me is imagination. Without imagination I have no creativity and I feel dead inside. Without the light of imagination the world gets dark really fast for me. I suspect that I should allow myself to let my imagination flow more.

Another thing that comes to mind about the word light is the experience I had while watching my oldest granddaughter Destiny be born. When I had my two children I was so busy giving birth that I never really paid attention to what happened when they took their first breath. My daughter had a C-section and I was able to be in the surgery room with her. I remember standing where I could see up over the curtain they had everything draped with. 

I remember watching them pull my little granddaughter out. When she took her first breath I was completely blown away. I saw this absolutely gorgeous, beautiful, beyond human words to describe, bright Gold light come alive in her. I knew immediately that it was her spirit. I was awestruck. I knew I was witnessing a sacred and holy moment. She had this Golden light around her for the longest time after. I remember I went with the nurse to clean Destiny up and then she wheeled her into her mother's room where she was waiting. Our family was there too. I was still so awestruck that I could not talk. The only thing that kept going through my mind was this little song "This Little Light of Mine". I had not even held Destiny yet. I just stood back and watched in awe. Once everyone was gone and my daughter was asleep, I sat in the wee morning hours and rocked and sang that little song to my granddaughter.

See, I have always known that we all have a light inside of us. Watching my granddaughter's light come alive inside of her confirmed what I have always believed. The older we get the more this world can dim our light. It can be caused from abuse, heartache, disappointment, stress or almost anything. The light is always there but it is up to us to focus on it and keep the worldly clamors from making it fade away. 

I was also thinking about light and dark. It seems like we cannot have one without the other. How would I know that there was light if I never experienced dark or vice versa? To me, it is the same way with color. If all I ever have is white or black, my world is going to be pretty dull and colorless. One could say it is the same with music. If the only note I ever hear is Middle C, I will miss the beauty of the entire Symphony. Michael Ian Cedar gave me that analogy. 

I must experience the positive and negative; the light and dark; the high and low notes; and all the colors in between white and black in order to truly experience the beauty of the world and even the universe. In order to be able to do this I must remain open and let my light shine. It is not always easy to do in this cruel world. 

When I got to Gratitude Slam I was in a very dark place. I was on the heels of losing my beloved father. My stepdad died and my mother almost died. Right before this, I had gone through brain surgery. One major thing after another kept knocking me down. So, I felt like life was a never-ending nightmare. The light inside of me was buried underneath the quicksand of heartache and grief. Gratitude Slam, LOYT, Michael Ian Cedar, his partner Elizabeth and all the members that I call my tribe saved my life. They came with their lights and helped me climb the ladder out of the pit of darkness that had engulfed me.

I had a sponsor named Gail in AA for many years. She died recently and I deeply miss her. She explained the journey that we were on together like this: All of us are on the same journey in sobriety and life. Her sponsor was ahead of her on the path and she had a flood light. Gail was just ahead of me with a cheap Walmart plastic flashlight. I was right behind her with a tiny pen light. There was another young woman behind me with a match that had a tiny ember still glowing on it. If any of us turned off our lights, the one at the very back who needed the most help would not see that there was any hope. It did not matter if my light was bigger or smaller than anyone else's. What mattered most is that I kept my light shining for others so they could find their way on the path of life too. My sponsor called all of us light bearers.

I have no clue what 2024 has in store for any of us. I do feel like things are a little lighter today. That is because of the light bearers God has put my life today. You know who you are. Without your light I would not be here. I would have given up the fight. So, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time I will shine my light for the next person that needs to know that there is hope.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Missing My Daddy Today

There are days I wake up with a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. I miss my Daddy so much!

This video I did a while ago popped up today. 💜💜💜

Missing My Daddy Today

Trees of Life and Light

Trees of Life and Light

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

12/25/23

Merry Christmas everyone! I saw the prayer below and it spoke to my heart about a program I attend called LOYT (Life On Your Terms). Our intention for this 90 days is ROJ (Return On Joy). I thought those of you who are Christian like I am, might like the prayer too. To those of you who might celebrate something else or nothing at all, I pray many blessings for you as well! I am seeking a word of intention for myself for 2024. I keep randomly finding the word LIGHT. Coincidence? I think not. Notice the prayer says "lighted trees of life". I am painting a tree of life for my granddaughter Courtney. Wow! Just wow!! Signs everywhere if we slow down to see them. 🙏🏼🌟💜

Release the joy in us that’s been crushed by pride, wrong priorities, or world events. Tear down the strongholds that have held us captive far too long. Extinguish the flames of apprehension that rob us of a calm, quiet spirit. Show us again the beauty of that holy night so many centuries ago.

Your name is still called “Wonderful,” “Counselor,” “The Mighty God,” “The Everlasting Father,” and “The Prince of Peace.” As Your children, we cry out for a fresh filling, and a new awareness of Who You are. We choose by faith to make the “good news of great joy” a reality in our own lives, so others can see us as lighted trees of life, pointing to You this Christmas. We know one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that You are Lord. And we also know that peace on earth can only come when hearts find peace with You.

You are still our Joy. You are still our Peace. You are no longer a babe in the manger. You are Lord of lords and King of kings. And we still celebrate You as Lord—this Christmas and always. Amen.

~ Rebecca Barlow Jordan

Merry Christmas to My Little Family!! 💜

Merry Christmas

12/24/23 My Thoughts on Prayer

Prayer

Elephants, Sunshine and the Tree of Life

Elephants, Sunshine and the Tree of Life 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

12/22/23

I am so grateful for the gift of creativity that my Creator gave me. I believe that it is one of the vehicles I can use to live my life's purpose and help others, especially my family who I love deeply.

A few weeks ago my granddaughter Courtney asked me to do a painting for her. It had to have an elephant, the tree of life and sunshine in it. Courtney is a very deep thinker so I asked her what those things symbolized to her. She told me that she was going through a really hard time and that she wanted to be able to look at the painting and see hope in it. She said that the Tree of Life symbolized hope and she just loves elephants. The fact that she wanted it to symbolize something excited me because I love symbolism. I believe there are hidden messages all through life. I just have to be willing to slow down and pay attention to the symbols around me.

I attend a self improvement type group called LOYT aka Life On Your Terms. I made a commitment to myself and LOYT to spend a few hours a week doing something creative. So, I took some time tonight to sketch out what will eventually be Courtney's painting. I gave her a sneak peek of it over the phone tonight. She loved it and she got what the hidden messages were. That makes my heart happy!!

I am sure the painting will be quite different from this sketch; but the overall layout will be what is there now. Here is how I described it to her. 

The smaller elephant represents Courtney and the larger elephant is her mother. I told her I just could not put only one elephant in the painting. It had to be two. That is because when I feel the most hopeless, I feel all alone. I wanted to remind her that she is never alone. Her mother's love will always be there and she will never leave her.

Both elephants have broken tusks. This represents the disappointments and heartache we go through in life. Yet, like the elephant we survive and stay strong when we hold on to each other. The love we share will carry us through the worst things in life as long as we stay connected. 

The sunshine peaking between the tree limbs behind them symbolizes me and the love I have for them. Just like the sun, I will always be there even when my old body is gone. My spirit will never leave because that is how deep my love is for the two of them and the rest of our family.

The crow is a nod to my father, Courtney's great-grandpa. He is in Heaven now watching over and protecting us. Just like the birds keep the bugs off of an elephant's back, her great-grandpa is ever-present and still has our backs too. 

The tree of life has very deep roots. We usually do not see how deep the roots are under the ground beneath a tree. Yet, they are there and serve as the foundation of the beautiful life growing above the ground. The roots symbolize the lessons our parents, grandparents and even our ancestors have taught us. They also represent the values that we live by such as Faith, Hope, Love, Integrity, Honesty, Courage and so on. The tree that grows above the ground is the expression of what one cannot see below the ground. It is the manifestation of who we are meant to be and the life we live with others.

Courtney is my youngest granddaughter. She is an old soul like me. If people truly lived other lives, I am certain we knew eachother in a previous one. We are alot alike in how we view the world. Of course, she is beautiful on the outside, however, her spirit on the inside is absolutely gorgeous! 

She has no idea what she has unlocked inside my heart with her request of me to paint. I have not drawn much or painted at all since I graduated art school in 2005. I stopped painting after not be able to complete a portrait of my granddaughter Zoey who died. Since then, I have felt like I lost the music I needed to sing through my painting. Today, finally, I will not let my music die inside of me!! 

Thank you my beautiful Courtney for having the key to unlock my heart. I will always love you more!! 💜💜💜

Check Out My First VLOG!!

12/22/23 My Thoughts On Life and Middle C

Holiday Gratitude List

Holiday Gratitude List

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

12/21/23

Today, as reflect on my life and this holiday season I would like to share a piece of my heart with everyone, especially what I call "my little family". Holidays are really tough for me, even more so since my Dad died. I usually just blurr through them and breathe a huge sigh of relief once January 1st comes and goes every year. I am doing my best this year to stay present inside and focus on the positive. Practicing gratitude helps me do that. So, here is my gratitude list for this holiday season.

1. I am so grateful for God, Jesus, hey you and other names I call my Higher Power when I pray. It all depends on my state of mind at the moment what I call my HP. Without God's totally unconditional love and never-ending grace and mercy for me, I would have killed myself a long time ago and missed out on the amazingly, beautiful orchestra that has been and still is my life.

2. I am so grateful for my continued sobriety. I know that people often think sobriety is just not drinking or using drugs. However, for me, sobriety is so much more than that. It is living by a set of 12 steps and 12 principles in my life everyday. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. However, one day at a time, I do the very best I can even though on some days my best is terrible. That is where that never-ending love, grace and mercy that my HP has for me comes in. He makes up for all my screw-ups. If I do not have any other boundary that I commit to, uphold and will never compromise for anyone, that boundary is to not drink or drug no matter what. As long as I stay sober and do the very best I can every day to live and practice the 12 steps and 12 principles in my life, I have a chance and there is hope for a better tomorrow. For that, and for all of the angels in human form that God has put in my path, both in and out of recovery, I am very grateful because I would not be here without them.

3. I am so grateful for my children and grandchildren and their spouses, my husband, my in-laws and my soon coming 3 great-grandchildren. They are what I call "my little family." My little family is absolutely beautiful. We are not perfect. We all stumble and bumble through life together. We laugh together, cry together, and fight together. But, somehow we have always found a way to stay together. I know that it is the deep love we have for each other that binds us together. 

4. I am so grateful for the most incredible crossroad in my life. That was when I got sober on July 5th 1986. My children were still babies. I saw no hope and wanted to die that day. If I would have chose not to get sober I would have missed out on the most crazy, funny, passionate, and beautiful little family that I have. God has richly blessed us and for that I will be forever grateful.

5. I am so grateful for my parents. My father was not perfect, he would be the first to tell you that if he were still this side of Heaven. Oh I miss him so much! He taught me about humility and loving someone no matter what. My mom is one amazing woman. She blazed alot of trails for me. She was the first in my family to graduate college and planted that seed in me. She fought breast cancer and won 30 years ago. A lot of the successful treatments we have today they tested on her. She still deals with the fallout from being the crash test dummy way back then. She has taught me about perseverance. So, in spite of the fact that I have often locked horns with my parents, I love them deeply and am very grateful for them.

6. I am so grateful for my stepmom Linda. She has always been my cheerleader on the sidelines. Our friendship is a beautiful jewel in my life. She has been my oil of joy after losing my Dad, even though she is still grieving herself. She has taught me about being kind and practicing integrity and grace even when others don't and everything is falling down around you.

7. I am so grateful for my LOYT family, especially my coaches Michael and Elizabeth. Their voices into my life are more valuable to me than all the money in the world. I am so grateful they left the ladder down for me and helped pull me up out of the darkness. 

8. I am so grateful that my LOYT accountability partner Lisa speaks truth to me even when it is not easy. I am grateful for the truth grenades she has thrown over my walls of fear to blast them down and help me grow. She truly is n angel in human form for me.

My gratitude list could go on and on but I will stop there for now. 

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas or whatever it is that you celebrate and a Happy New Year!!

Love,

Andrea aka Mom aka GeGe 💜

Celebrating Me, My Bella and My Little Family

Celebrating Me, My Bella and My Little Family

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

12/6/23

I need to celebrate something about me, my Bella, and my little family tonight. Today, my granddaughter, Bella, who is a senior in high school asked me to proofread an essay she wrote for a college entrance application and scholarship. I am the resident proofreader, so, I opened the file and started reading through it. Much to my amazement, part of what she wrote was about the impact I had in her life one time. It was when she and her mother and sister moved to New Jersey, away from me in Oklahoma. I told her it was okay to cry but then wipe your tears and get back up and enjoy the journey that God has laid out in front of you. I never once realized that she even listened to me. I usually think kids just think it is just their crazy grandma talking. But, she wrote in her essay that she has never forgotten what I said and that it has carried her through some of the most difficult times in her life. 

I know what my life purpose is, but I often think I am not living it. See, I have all these grandiose ideas of how I should be doing it and how terribly I am failing at it. Then, out of nowhere, my beautiful granddaughter Bella makes me realize that God uses me the most when I do not even know it.

I think about day one sober when I was 23 years old. I had no idea, in spite of all the hardship in my life, that I would be blessed with such beautiful children and grandchildren. I never once thought that I would ever do anything to help them, or that they would admire me. So, as I sit here and tears of gratitude stream my face, I am going to celebrate the woman I have become. Most of all, I am going to celebrate the miracle that God created in me, the beautiful woman my Bella is growing up to be, and the gift of my beautiful little family that I so deeply love.

Family and Gratitude

Family and Gratitude 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

11/23/23

It is funny that this memory of my brain surgery popped up in my Facebook feed today. This all happened in December 2020. It turned out that my brain was sagging outside of my skull. A simple 2 hour job to patch a leak, turned into a 9 hour surgery to put my brain back where it belonged! Recovery took me a year. Today I am grateful that I am not in a nursing home playing in my pudding with no memory. There are small differences that only I notice, but I have found ways to deal with it. 

My Dad was still alive at that time and I deeply miss him. I know he is home with God and we will meet again some day. Regardless, I still wish I could take him a bucket of KFC and chocolate cake. Just sit with him and talk about nothing and everything all at once. Those are the times I took for granted until they were gone. Now, they are treasured memories I cling to.

Some time between now and February we are going to have 2 beautiful, little, identical twin girls to add to our family. Can you believe it? I am going to be a great-grandmother!! My granddaughter Destiny is riding the storm out of her body being taken over with the twins! She is turning into an amazing woman, right before our very eyes. 

This time next year, my granddaughter Kaylee will be married to the love of her life. My middle granddaughter, Bella will be a high school graduate and well into her first semester of college. My youngest granddaughter, Courtney will be doing whatever her heart is led to do. My only grandson, Michael will be in kindergarten and I know he will be teaching everyone geography, even the teachers! I am sure the twins will be keeping Destiny and Zane very busy. My kids Sedrick and Alicia and their other halves will still be working their butts off to take care of their families like we all do. I guess my point is, life goes on.

At the end of the day, family is what matters most. While sitting here watching people pile in to share a meal with the ones they love on this Thanksgiving, I am reminded that family is not always blood. It is who I define it to be. I am so blessed and grateful for MY family.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I will always love you more!!

Andrea

My Thoughts on Death, My Dad, God, and Kaylee

My Thoughts on Death, My Dad, God, and Kaylee

11/17/23

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

I found out that someone on the other side of my  granddaughter Kaylee's family died today. I messaged with her about it. That got me to thinking about death and grief, and we who are left on this side to deal with it. I started writing my thoughts below. I have not written in a while. I have felt as though my pen has run dry, and there is no ink left to refill it.  I have been afraid the words have died inside me. For me, the words inside me are my music to share with the world. I will not let my music die inside me!! So, my beautiful Kaylee, this is for you. I hope it makes sense to you. I love you more!

This may sound crazy to you, but I think those who have gone "home" before us are the lucky ones. They are in Heaven, where there is no pain or sorrow. They are right there with Jesus. How incredibly awesome is that?! The part that brings deep grief for me, though, is that we are not together physically. That part is hard.

I miss my Daddy so much! Yet, I know he is around us all in spirit, even you, his beautiful "Kacey." My Daddy always gave those he loved deeply a nickname, and that was yours. Kaylee, you need to know that he always bragged about you, and he loved you deeply. One time, he told me that you were a beautiful, unexpected gift and angel that God had brought to him and our family.  I completely agree. We all love you deeply!

Death is hard. Grieving the loss of those we loved so deeply sometimes feels never-ending and hopeless. Yet, we have the hope that when our time it done in this crazy world, we will be together again. Do not take me wrong, I am not suicidal. I just know how beautiful the day will be when we all meet together in Heaven. Zoey and Mikey are there too, and I know they are gorgeous. Our ancestors, whom we have never met, are there too. It is something I can only see with my heart, not my worldly eyes.

I am sorry that I am blabbing on and on. I just know how absolutely gorgeous Heaven is. So, as much as I deeply miss and long for those who have gone on before me, I know they are whole and healthy again, and we will be  together again someday. That thought brings my aching soul some comfort.

I believe our loved ones in Heaven bring us signs to let us know they are still with us in spirit, are around us, and are always watching over us to protect us. Let me give you an example. My Dad always comes to me as a crow. There was this one crow that I swear followed me everywhere for a long time. Every time I would go to a store, as soon as I opened the car door, that crow was right there. It would start dancing like crazy, jumping up and down, and twisting and turning in circles. The crow's dance reminded me of the fancy dancers that I would watch as a child when we went to the annual powwow. They were all decked out in these beautiful feathers. I knew this crow was my Dad. He would make me laugh so hard! I still see it once in a while, but not as often. I had been missing the signs my Dad would send me, and I asked him to bring me some again, that I missed him and wished I could talk to him about all my worries. I went on about my day and forgot about my request.

The other day, I was driving back from Oklahoma City with Andre. We were in downtown traffic, sitting at a red light that was taking forever to change to green. I was lost in my thoughts about things coming up in the future that I am concerned about, and I was making a feable attempt at saying a silent prayer to calm my mind.

All of a sudden, I looked around and realized that I was  completely surrounded by crows. I do not mean just a couple of crows, I mean a whole huge flock of crows. They were on the traffic lights, power lines, on the ground, on the bridge in front of me, and on every corner. It was insane the amount of crows that surrounded me! Then, I remembered that I had asked  my Dad a few days before for a sign that he was with me and everything would be okay. I busted out laughing hard!! Andre looked at me in total confusion and asked what I was laughing about. I explained everything to him and kept laughing and laughing.  Of course, he thought I was crazy. It is just like my Dad to go completely over the top to make me understand that he is still around me even when I do not feel or see it. 

When I got home that evening, I thought about the crows and the deep love my Dad and I still share. Then I realized that God's love for us is so much deeper. So massively deep that I am at a loss for words to describe it.

God, just like my Dad, is always there, ever present. Even when everything looks the darkest, when it looks like my whole life is falling down around me, and when I am so frozen in fear that I cannot move, He is always there. He is always working out things for my good. He loves me, not because I am perfect. Lord knows I am far from perfect. I can go from saying a prayer in traffic to flipping someone off all in the same breath. I am a bull in a China closet stumbling through life most days. Yet, God loves me. He loves me because He created me. The grace and mercy that flows from Him to me is never-ending. It washes over all my imperfections. When I am still and I allow God's love to penetrate my wounded heart, I am left in awe of Him. I am so unreservedly blessed and grateful for this.

So, my dear sweet, beautiful Kaylee, I wrote all that to say this, God loves you even more! He looks at you and says, "Look at my beautiful creation! Look how gorgeous her spirit is!! Look at her smile, her tenderness. I am so proud of the woman she is becoming!" My Dad and your Great Grandma Barbara are your loudest cheerleaders in Heaven. Of course, I am here on this side with you, and I am one of your loudest cheerleaders, too. You have had my heart since the day I met you. I do not know if you remember what I told you on your first "Gotcha Day," so let me remind you, "Now I am your grandma forever, and no one can take that away." I will always be here for you, and I will always love you more, Kaylee!! 💜💜💜

My Story Told by Me on 2/23/23

This is a recording of me telling my story on 2/23/23 of how I got sober. Putting it on my blog in hopes it will help others. Also, it's for my children and grandchildren who I deeply love. ❤️

My Story - Andrea Broussard

My Two 9/11s

My Two 9/11s

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

9/11/23

I had two "9/11s". One was absolutely, gorgeously beautiful and the other gut wrenchingly devastating and horrid. Both altered my view of life massively.

The first 9/11 was on 9/11/2000 when I was there for the birth of my first granddaughter Destiny. I saw her spirit come alive inside of her with this breathtaking golden light. I just stood there speechless and in awe. I understood the immense responsibility I had to teach her about life just like my grandparents did for me. I am very grateful for this gift.

The second 9/11 happened on 9/11/2001. I was attending college at the time and had stopped in the breakroom in between classes. I remember standing next to a classmate who happened to be of the same decent as the alleged bombers. We both stood there holding eachother and sobbing as we watched the towers fall. I remember thinking, "Oh my God! What kind of world will my little granddaughter live in when she is my age? What will my children live in?" When I got home later, I checked in on friends in the NYC area. We had a group AA chat where I could "listen" to them and support them in staying sober.

I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma about 90 miles from Oklahoma City. We went through the bombing of the Murrah Federal Building a few years before 9/11/2001. It was catastrophic in it own way and the day the towers fell all the horror of that day came rushing back.

Ii remember trying to focus on the positive. The only thing I could think of was that our nation, in both instances pulled together. Race, religion, culture, sexual identity, etc did not matter. We were all united and one.

I hope that someday we can be that way all the time instead of only in national tragedies.

May God Bless America 🇺🇸 

Roses By My Kitchen Sink

Roses By My Kitchen Sink 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

9/9/23

I accidentally broke a branch off one of my rosebushes the other day. I put it in a glass of water by my kitchen sink and the buds started blooming. So, I've been taking pictures every day.

I was thinking about life and God's love for us. Our lives are like rosesbushes. The branches are thorny and if you do not hold them just right you can get stuck and sometimes bleed. It is the same with relationships. Sometimes life sends us for a spin and something happens that we did not plan good and bad. Yet, just like the branch of a rosebush that gets knocked off and still blooms if kept in water; If we remain still in God's love we will continue to live and even bloom when we are broken. I am so completely grateful for God's unconditional, never-ending love today. Thank you Lord for giving me beauty in the midst of life's thorns!

Undistancing Old Friends

Undistancing Old Friends

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/19/23

Warning! This is writing is pretty long, if you do not like it, scroll on and unfriend or stop following me. Otherwise forge ahead and try to hear my heart.

I was asked the following question from a "new" friend in LOYT. We are self appointed (more like divinely appointed) accountability partners too. My answer/discussion is below.

QUESTION: 

What do you think would happen if you tried to  lessen the distance between you and those friends that you have put some miles between?

ANSWER: 

This is a tough question for me to answer. I have been mulling this over for some time. Before I get started I feel I must explain that friendship to me is not some shallow, placating relationship. If I call you my friend, you are in my innermost circle, where I rarely allow anyone to be. This space is reserved only for the few I truly trust with my heart. I know what is said between those in my innermost circle and myself will never go any further. So, friendship is very sacred to me.

I realize you and I have not met face-to-face and we have not known eachother long. However, what the Spirit knows, the Spirit knows. I cannot explain it other than to say that I know God brought us together for a reason and hopefully it is for way more than one season. We are like kindred Spirits who have always known eachother, maybe in another lifetime, who knows? So here goes with my answer.

I have always been a loner. I do not know why. As a kid I was not interested in social gatherings. I thought girls were drama queens and I did not waste my time with them. I was an artist and I preferred to do art instead of play back-biting schoolgirl games. Looking back, I do remember this one girl named Becky. She tried to be my friend for longest time. She called me often just to talk and invited me to various functions but I never went. At the same time I was being subjected to abuse from family members. I did not tell anyone because I figured it would not do any good. So, I suspect part of my keeping her at bay was because I was in survival mode and shut down inside. I have always regretted not investing in a friendship with her back then. It is worth noting that I started drinking alcohol and smoking at the age of 10, yet another reason for distance.

Fast forward to adulthood. By the time I was 21 years old I was married with 2 kids under the age of 3. My marriage was a mess. We were both alcoholic/addicts. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive to me so there was no room in my life for true friendships. I finally got divorced, went to treatment, got sober and started my sobriety journey in 1986. I had female sponsors in AA who led through the 12 steps but still no real friends. 

I met a woman when I had about 5 years sober who became a very close friend for 20+ years. We told eachother everything and walked through life together. I had a couple of other female friends too in that timespan. Over those 2 decades I was married and divorced 3 times. I'm on my 4th and last marriage now. 

All of these so-called friends tended to be judgemental of my walk in life. They would get mad at me for not leaving my jacked up marriages fast enough. They would periodically just stop talking to me because I "lived in the problem" too long according to their standards. I never shut them out of my life no matter whether I agreed with their choices or not. I still to this day do not understand how one can say they are your friend, yet judge you at the same time.

So, in 2020 when things started unraveling around me and I found out brain surgery was coming in my near future, all of my so-called friends scattered like roaches, nowhere to be found except for my one friend who I will call Jane in order to protect her anonymity. I figured the others were never really my friends, they were just takers and negative nannies in my life, so I moved on.

Jane and I remained friends. We were both recovering alcoholics. We talked every day, met for coffee, and often prayed together about situations that we were troubled by. Then one day Jane relapsed and started drinking again. I still maintained a relationship with her and we still talked every day. I kept hoping she'd get sober again. 

Long story short, at the beginning of the pandemic alcohol took its toll on her. She was losing her mind and at death's doorstep. Finally, one day her husband and I got her to go by ambulance to ER and they admitted her. No one could see her due to COVID protocols and the shutdown. She ended up in long-term treatment because she pickled her brain with alcohol.

I went from talking to Jane everyday for years to not knowing if she was alive or dead for months. It broke my heart. Then one day, out of the blue she called me. She remembered me and things like who I was married to and my kids but she thought we were college roommates too. She wanted to know why I wasn't home for dinner yet. This was devastating to me. Here is this woman who I had known and loved for years and she barley remembered me.

When someone close to you dies its devastating. However, when someone you love deeply loses their mind through alcoholism, alzheimers, dementia or something like that; in some ways its worse than death. Eventually I had to stop answering the phone to save my own sanity because to hear her voice stirred everything up in me all over, again and again. How do you grieve that kind of loss? 

After brain surgery even Jane was gone. Then my parents got sick, my dad and stepdad died, I moved my mom back from Florida and she stayed with me till she got back on her feet. I was being pulled in a thousand different directions all while continuing to work full time. Was I stressed? Who wouldn't be?!

I tried to reconnect with my old friends but they treated me like I was not there. They didn't want to listen to what was "really going on" in my life. They were too busy or whatever excuse they had. I don't expect any friend to fix me, nor do I expect them to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship. Yet, when I am the one always making the effort and the other one doesn't; at some point it becomes obvious that it's all a one-sided relationship.

So, metaphorically speaking, I figured the road runs both ways and I was the only one driving on it. I stopped making contact. After a few months of silence went by I reached out to each one and asked why the distance. Every one of them said it was because my life was too complicated for them. I never replied back. I just moved on.

I never based friendship with someone on how uncomplicated or perfect their life was. I just loved them where they were at and tried to shoulder their burdens with them. I'm not perfect. I'm not angry with my old friends. If anything I'm deeply hurt at being thrown away so easily! I am also angry at myself for not realizing they were not really friends in the first place. They were only takers and I was an easy mark.

So, in my mind, what would happen if I lessened the distance between me and my old friends is that I would be sucked dry by them too. Honestly, there isn't much left of me to give to takers if that makes sense. Between grieving the losses I have had, especially my dad, and other problems in my life I do not have much left inside of me to give to a one-sided friendship that contributes nothing positive to my life. Note: I even feel guilty for saying that, but it's true.

Anyways, I have spent alot of time alone in my innermost circle. I've been working on me. Maybe I will never lessen the distance with these old friends, just bury those relationships in the past and build healthier ones in the future.

I feel like I should apologize for this diatribe I have written but I'm not going to. This is me. I'm too wordy and awkward at best most days in any relationship. Yet, I believe God has divinely appointed us to travel this journey together for now. So here I am girl! WYSIWYG! I am messed up inside. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect you to be. You are one of the very few whom I call friend in my "new" normal and my "new" life that God is rebuilding for me.

So, welcome to my innermost circle! I pray God richly blesses you each and every day.

In the Grip of His Amazing Grace,

Andrea 💜

Grief Is a Fickle Mistress

Grief Is a Fickle Mistress

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

8/18/23

Grief is a
Fickle mistress
One minute
I think I am free
The next
She blind sides me
Grabs my throat
Its hard to breath
Slams my heart
To the ground
I fall apart
A tunsmi of tears
Overtake me
And I cannot see

Memories flood
My mind of
All the time
All the years
We spent together
Just trying
To swim
When one
Would tire
The other
Was there
Like a life vest
To keep our heads
Above the water
So we could
Find rest
And live to fight
Another day

I know you are here
Right by my side
I see you
In the twinkle of
Our grandkids eyes
In the smiles of
My children
In the laughter of
My friends

Yet my heart
Still aches
With throbbing pain
So deep
And the tears
Oh the tears
They never cease
Will I ever
Find relief

I know I must not
Disconnect
I need to stay
Present
And feel
So I can heal
And find peace

Yet the tears
Keep rolling
Because I lost
My very beginning
My best friend
Oh please tell me
When will this
Nightmare end

I have no clue
How to thrive
Or move forward
All I know
Is how to
Survive
Please Lord tell me
What to do

I am working hard
To come back
To myself
To find peace
In the midst of this hell
I have got to
Find relief
I am grasping at
Keys
Trying every door
In hopes
That one will open
And soothe
My aching soul

So I will
Keep trudging
The path
Set before me
Try to remember
The wisdom
You gave me
God and family first
Love above all else

Your body is gone
And oh how miss you
Yet I know
Your spirit
Your essence
And love
Will always
Be with me
Till we meet again

I love you Daddy 💜😢💖🐸

Is There a Reason

Is There a Reason

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/13/23

Is there a reason

You sit

On the porch

All day

Laugh and tell jokes

When you call all

Your friends

Do you think

I don't notice

When you finally

Come in

You have

Nothing to say

Wish I'd just

Go away

Is there a reason

You stop everything 

Just for your boss 

Kiss her ass and

Do anything

Whenever asked

Yet ignore me

Like you wish

I'd get lost

Is there a reason

You light up

Like Christmas 

Give big hugs

And pat backs

When you see

A mere friend

Yet you

Won't touch me

Or give me

Even a kiss 

Is there a reason

You think

It's okay

To ignore me

When I've told you

The cold

Breaks my heart

Please come

Warm me

Is there a reason

You don't

Love me 

I'm not stupid

It shows

I just want know

Before I give up

Disappear

Forever

And just go

Keep Shining My Little Light

Keep Shining My Little Light

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/12/23

I was not going to share this but, after reading this maybe you will understand why I did. Yes, my writing about it is a little long. However, I refuse to apologize for it. Writing is part of who I am. Please understand what you are about to read is NOT about religion or "all" churches. It is about my recent experience of being deeply hurt by one. 

I had a situation a few months ago that broke me in two about my writing. I have not told anyone about it until now. It was too embarrassing. At the time, I was doing all I could to stay connected and active in a local church because of the tremendous grief and depression I felt due to all the loss I had been through. Church leadership knew first hand about all the hell I had been through and my dad dying. They actually had recently officiated my stepdad's funeral. So, in my mind there was no excuse for what happened.

The church started an online Bible study and the associate pastor asked me to be a part of it. He wanted me to help get people involved. I reluctantly agreed. The topic of discussion one day reminded me of a story I wrote years ago about milemarkers. I really felt like God wanted me to share it because someone needed to read it. So, I posted it. It was not anything rude or inappropriate for a "church" audience so I figured it was okay. A few people actually liked it. 

A couple of days later I got a text from the associate pastor telling me that I was scaring people off and to not post long stories ever again, only links. When he texted me, I happened to be in my artroom bawling my eyes out over my dad. His text made the way I felt a thousand times worse. I did not reply to him and still have not done so. I have nothing good to say to him so why say anything at all?

I gave myself a day to cool off. Then, I deleted all posts I had made, deleted my account and uninstalled the church app. I called the church secretary and told her to take me off membership, that I would no longer attend there. A few days later, the pastor called all apologetic and begged me to come back. I politely refused and I have not and will not go back.

I have been so deeply hurt by this that I am afraid to post my writings. I never was afraid before. Now, I go through this mental masturbation before I can finally give myself permission to post anything for fear of being ridiculed and shutdown again.

Sadly, once again, I am reminded that most (not all) churches would not recognize Jesus if He sat down next to them during the service. They would be too busy kicking Him out because He did not fit their mold of what He "should" look like. Instead of loving people where they are at and trying to help them heal, they are too busy killing their wounded because the reality they are living is not pretty. They sure tried to kill my spirit. THEY DID NOT SUCCEED!!

It makes me angry that people who preach so eloquently on God's amazing love and tender mercy on Sundays will kick someone when they are down like they did me. How dare them tell me to hide the light God gave me!! 

That is why part of the reason one of my commitments in the next 90 days is to share my voice and gifts God gave me. I do not care how scared I am to post my writings. I will do it because it is healing for me and it is part of who am. It is part of the purpose God gave me for my life. To not do it is like fire being locked in my soul. So, I hope everyone can give a little grace and let me keep shining my little light. 

In His Grip,

Andrea 💜

90 Days and My Life Purpose

90 Days and My Life Purpose

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

8/10/23

I joined a group on Facebook called Gratitude Slam a couple of months ago. One thing lead to another and I ended up attending a virtual retreat lead by MIC and E-Rad, two very awesome life coaches. Now I am part of a 90 day cohort in their program call Life On Your Terms (LOYT).

Part of the work I did at the retreat was to determine my life purpose and 2 results I would like to see in the next 90 days. These things also dovetail into the LOYT program. So, this is my proclamation of the results or goals I want achieve in the next 90 days and the actions I am committing to myself and my trusted LOYT cohort to take.

The 2 results I would like to see in the next 90 days are:

1. I want to feel more optimistic about my future.

2. I want to get my focus aka my internal compass back so I can make better decisions and choices for my future.

OPTIMISM

This is important to me because I know I will slip into a deep depression if I keep going like I have been in the past couple of years. I am a recovering alcoholic and depression leads to drinking and drinking leads to death. I am not willing to rest on my laurels any longer.

The actions I commit to take in the next 90 days to work toward more optimism are:

1. Attend and DO THE WORK in LOYT.

2. Connect with others in the Gratitude Slam group.

3. Focus on MYSELF and MY needs FIRST.

4. Say “NO” more when I am tired or drained.

5. Continue to do things that honor my Dad like finishing his blanket of valor, writing stories about him and decorating his grave with flowers as often as possible.

6. Make a concentrated effort to focus on positive things coming in the future (my twin great-grandbabies).

GET FOCUS/INTERNAL COMPASS BACK

This is important to me because I feel like life has slammed me to the ground over and over again. I had brain surgery in 2020; my mom nearly died in summer of 2021 and my stepdad did die from COVID at the same time; I moved my mom back from Florida to Oklahoma by myself in September 2021; my dad got sick in October 2021 and died on February 11, 2022. I held his hand until he died. I have felt completely lost since my Dad died. I cannot imagine my future, much less what I want and need for my day to day life. I feel like my internal compass is obliterated. I MUST get it back. I cannot go on the way I am.

The actions I commit to take in the next 90 days to work toward getting my focus/internal compass back are:

1. Attend and DO THE WORK in LOYT.

2. Set small, achievable goals for myself. Remember, progress not perfection!

3. Create a vision board for my own personal future desires and goals and start taking action toward them.

4. Reach out more to others. Stop isolating!

5. Focus on my life purpose.

6. Focus on my values and what I honor in life.

MY LIFE PURPOSE

My life scripture is from the Bible in Isaiah 58:6-12:

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— When you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”

Part of my life purpose comes from this scripture. It is “repairer of people with broken walls.”

MY LIFE PURPOSE IS

To carry the message of hope, gratitude and love to my family , friends and others I meet along my journey through life each day. By doing this I will help the lost and hurting rebuild their broken lives.

KEYS & PRINCIPLES

In order to live out my purpose I will continue to face the obstacles and grief I am now in. I want to find freedom from the depression that has plagued me for so long. I want to show my children, grandchildren and soon coning great-grandbabies by example that no matter how difficult life gets there is always something positive to focus on.

The keys and principles I received from the retreat will help me to achieve the results I want in 90 days. They will also help me continue to heal, grow and live my life purpose. These are my keys and principles.

1. Middle C

As long as I choose to attempt to shut out the low notes, the opposite high notes are canceled out too. Eventually all I have left is middle C. Then, the music inside me becomes dull and lifeless and I cannot hear the beautiful orchestra of life.

I will feel/acknowledge all feelings (high/low good/bad positive/negative). For to deny a negative one cancels out a positive one. Eventually if I deny feelings long enough, the Orchestra of life will stop playing around me and my world will turn dull.

I WILL NOT LET THE MUSIC DIE INSIDE ME!!

2. Color

I will endeavor to bring the color back into my world.

Living in the numbing gray of disassociation helps no one and will kill my dreams.

When I take on the feelings of others and allow them to suck the life out of me, my point of view and life turns to a dull and saddening gray.

If I want the colors of the rainbow back in my life I must learn to focus on ME first and care for myself first. I must acknowledge and accept my feelings high and low, without judgment.

When I do not do this everything fades to gray, the music inside me dies, I become a dry well and I lose all the beautiful colors I love so much.

I cannot give what I do have inside myself. So, I must do the work on myself in order to be present in my life, then I can help others and get my rainbow back.

3. Orchestra

If I want to hear the full orchestra again in my life I must take action every day to heal myself. Part of that action was to join LOYT. I DESERVE TO LIVE LIFE ON MY TERMS!!!

4. Isolation/Connection

One of the biggest keys I experienced during the retreat was isolation/connection.

When I was not able to fully participate because of issues with Zoom it forced me to feel the deepness of the isolation I have allowed in my life. It made me realize that I have been on the autopilot of survival mode and have shut everyone out for a long time. This is due mainly from being so completely devastated from the death of my father and other issues in my life.

This experience also made me understand how deeply the isolation feels from those who supposedly love me the most.

It also taught me how vitally important it is to seek out and maintain healthy connection with others. The action I have taken so far to do this is being an active participant in Gratitude Slam, NTD, Positive Mindset Retreat and joining LOYT.

I will stop isolating from everyone. I will make myself more open to others I meet on life’s path.

5. Compass

I will take actions to tune in to my internal compass so I can find my way back to me. Being lost just leaves me spinning around in the mud puddle and helps no one.

Some of the actions I will take are attending LOYT and doing the work and remaining active in Gratitude Slam.

By taking these actions I will be able to shut up Congress in my head. This will enable me to focus on my internal compass again.

6. Values

Humility: I will be humble and ask for help when I need it. By doing this I will show others it is okay to not be strong all the time.

I will conduct myself with honesty, integrity and compassion in order to be open to those in need.

Courage: I will not be afraid to shine my light for others.

Love: I will love myself FIRST. By putting my needs and desires first, I will be full inside so I can give love to others.

7. Voices

God has blessed me with many creative gifts or voices: writing, painting, sewing to name a few. He gave these gifts to me to be able to reach a person’s heart and show them the love He has for them.

I will use my creative voices to share the message of love with others and help them rebuild their broken walls.

A Message of Love from Heaven

A Message of Love from Heaven

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/1/23

This week has been hell. I rushed from Tulsa to Kansas City to be there for my granddaughter, who is having twins and due in February. She has HG aka massively bad, never-ending morning sickness, and was in the hospital. 

The drive from Tulsa to Kansas City is 4 hours. The other night, I threw everything together and rushed out the door. I was exhausted and had planned to rest all evening. But, when one of my family is in trouble, everything goes to the wayside, and I am there for them. About half way there, I saw storm clouds ahead. I called my son, and he said it looked like the storm was heading right toward me. I had just survived a tornado recently, so it threw me into a panic.

The wind and rain started. I began to pray that God would put Holy Ghost bubble wrap around me and my car and protect me. Silly, I know, but when I am scared, I just pray and do not worry about how I sound. I remembered that everyone in this Facebook group called Gratitude Slam and other online friends were praying for my granddaughter, her babies, and my safe travels. 

All of a sudden, it was as if the storms were all around me, but they did not touch me. It was the eeriest, almost Holy kind of calm I have ever experienced this side of Heaven, as if I was in the eye of the storm. I slowed my breathing and switched my focus like Michael, the leader of Gratitude Slam, has taught us. The whole way to Kansas City, the storm never touched me, not even a rain drop.

My granddaughter had gone to one ER, and they sent her to another. Then she got admitted to that hospital. They conveniently forgot to tell us that her OB doctor did not have the privileges to practice there. The admitting doctor refused to transfer her. They never ordered an ultrasound or did anything to check on the babies. They wasted 2 days with us and discharged her even though she was still sick! We ended up at the correct hospital tonight, and they admitted her a few hours ago. 

Now I will get to the point of all this. The ER doctor at this new hospital immediately ordered an ultrasound. I figured they would do it tomorrow. Next thing you know, the ultrasound tech is in the room. I unexpectedly got to see my 2 great-grandbabies!! I stood there with their grandma, my daughter, on a video call watching from New Jersey. Tears of joy rolled down my face. All of a sudden, the storms I had gone through did not matter. The stressful work week fell to the side. The only thing that mattered was these few Holy moments seeing my great-grandbabies on screen, safe and secure in their mother's womb.

My granddaughter's boyfriend and father to these little ones was with us and took pictures of the ultrasound. One of them was the one with this post. It looks to me like they are surrounded by a heart! I know this was my Daddy, who was a twin himself, sending us a sign from Heaven that he, God and all of Heaven are right there surrounding Destiny and these tiny ones with their never ending love and protection.

While sitting there with my granddaughter waiting to get moved to her room, I remembered all the storms I have gone through in life. Many of them never touched me. Sometimes, the very thing we are called to do is the scariest, and it looks like storms are heading right toward us. If we let the fear of the storms around us paralyze us, we will miss the most beautiful, unexpected, Holy moments that God has in store for us just a little ways up the road.

Tonight, I am so grateful for God's love. I am grateful for friends that I have never meant who love me enough to pray for me, Destiny, and the little ones she is carrying. Most of all, I am grateful for the message from my Daddy that reminds me that my beautiful granddaughter and twin great-grandbabies are surrounded by love. ❤️❤️❤️

7 Wisdoms I Am Grateful I Possess Today

7 Wisdoms I Am grateful I Possess Today

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

The 7 Wisdoms I am grateful I possess today are:

1. One is too many, a thousand never enough. If I do not have the first one, I will not have the last one. So, just do not pick up today. 

2. It does not matter if it was the engine or the caboose that hit me. I still got hit by a train. If I do not want to keep getting hit by trains I must learn to spot them and stay out of the way! That means I need to focus on changing the only one I can really change...ME!

3. Rule 62: Do not take myself so damn seriously! Remember to laugh.

4. God has not brought me this far to drop me on my ass now. Trust Him.

5. Trust God and let the path unfold before me. Do not get the bulldozer out a blaze my own path. When I do that, I create bigger messes to clean up and delay God's purpose from happening in my life. 

6. I cannot keep what I have unless I give it away; yet, I cannot give what I do not have. So, I must not forget to put my oxygen mask on first!

7. Death is not the end of a one's life. They simply transition to a different dimension and go Home. We all go Home some day. The love we share crosses all dimensions. If I STFD I am able to feel that love and see the signs they send all around me. STFD!

A Beautiful Sewing Machine and Sacred Memories

A Beautiful Sewing Machine and Sacred Memories

By Andrea Tadpole-Tadpole-Broussard

7/11/23

I have been working on my Dad's blanket of valor for awhile now. I finally got to the homestretch on it and my cheap sewing machine quit on me. So, I started praying and researching sewing machines. I needed one that could handle thick layers of material. It is what they call "heavy duty" now. I found one on Amazon for a few hundred dollars. Supposedly it was heavy duty but everything was plastic on it. So, I was not sure about it. That, and I really did not want to spend that much money.

Through what I believe were some divinely appointed events I met an awesome woman and fellow seamstress on Facebook. I asked her about the machine I found on sale. She planted a seed in my mind to look for a good, older machine because they were made so much better. So, I decided to scroll through Facebook market one last time. I stumbled on an ad for one listed for $75. The guy had a video of it running and it looked brand new. It was still available and my new friend encouraged me to go check it out. I went after work today.

It looked like it had rarely, if ever been used! It was just like the one I learned to sew on as a young girl with my mom and grandmother. Sacred memories flooded my mind as I was checking it out of my mom and grandmother teaching me. So much so that I teared up. Those were beautiful times in my life; treasured moments that I would give anything to have back.

Anyway, it is not the same brand but everything works like I remembered. It has a solid wood cabinet and is gorgeous. It even has a set of cams to embroider with!! It is impeccably clean, no scratches and the manual was still in plastic. I was able to buy it for $65. I got it home and it works great!!

If you had told me a couple of years ago that I would be sewing quilts and loving it, I would have told you that you were crazy. Yet, here I am in a beautiful home I thought I would never have again and I have my own art/quilting room. It is like an oasis and a sacred space for me where I can create. For me creating is my voice and much needed therapy to heal my broken heart.

I am so blown away at God's grace and mercy right now. I started taking some actions in my own inward life to get back to a more positive mindset. It is easy for me to forget that if I put out positive stuff that positive comes back to me. This is another reminder.

I am so grateful tonight for new direction and shifting to positive energy in my life. Thank you God for taking care of me even when I am not perfect and act like Much Afraid or Doubting Thomas. Most of all, thank you for new friends and a beautiful sewing machine that I can create sacred memories with.